Sunday, February 24, 2013

LIVE BLOG of the 85th Academy Awards - Oscars! HMV style!

Last thoughts:
Q: Maren, you won the Oscar pool this year, did you ever think you could do it?
- Yes I did think I could do it.  It took not a lot of research, not a lot of intelligence, just a lot of common sense.  And I mean that to be a diss.  Suck it.

Q: Jake, no one thought you could do it, but you predicted best movie, how did you do it?
- A lot of hard work.   I saw the movie.  I liked it. 

Are you Ron Swanson?
- Hopefully.

Q: Hannah, who would you like thank for your super fun Oscar day extravaganza?
- I would like to thank alcohol. The internet. Also, my fans.  I would not like to thank my sister and my husband who have predicted the Oscars like a voodoo, witch, scientist, like...losers would. 

Peace out, fans.  I heart you.

* * * 
(Hannah)
Best picture: Michelle Obama is looking gooooood.  Her bangs be bangin!  Oh wait, I guess she is not giving out the award.  Jack Nicholson....you are funny.  The award goes to ARGO!!!!  Oh poo, I picked Lincoln.  Maren, The Unbeatable, picked Les Mis.  Haha ... Les Mis.  Anyways, nice job, Jakey!

(Maren)
Best actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, no surprise. Fantastic, fantastic speech.

(Maren)
Best score: Seth Macfarlane, I'm throwing you a bone, catch!
Didn't know you wrote Ted's Original Score, nice job. Douche.

No one worry, I'm ahead on the scoreboard.

* * *
Adele's performance drew a lot of interesting comments.  None of them topical.  Or accurate.  Let's play Guess, That, Quote!

"Is she lip syncing?"
"NO!"

"It's not the lip syncing we're talking about, its the lips...they've been pumped up."

"I only want Nicole Kidman to sound like she did in Practical Magic, because that was my favorite movie."

"Oh yeah, 'sequins', I know what they are. ... Wait, sparkles?"

"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening, I was in...baby eyes [swoon]."
-Hannah

* * *
Aw crap, if you are still following, we need to take a break here and recharge the battery.  And our drinks! -7:40pm hmv
* * *
(Maren)
Hannah- "Does anyone love Seth Macfarlane more than Seth Macfaclane?"

We have been visited by the divine Matellas!  And special guest Ms. Emmeline, the 3-week-old lil wonder.

So I just realized this Oscars is a tribute to music in the movies.  I didn't understand why we were watching Catherine Z-J singing Chicago song again... is she promoting some other movie that people under 20 have heard of?  [ZING!]

Les Mis montage.  Missy wonders "are they lip syncing this?!" Are we having a Beyonce moment?"
Maren wonders, "Is Anne Hathaway hiding a baby bump?"
Missy: "What?  Is that true?"
Maren: "Yep.  You heard it here first.  (No, I just made that up.)"

* * *
(Maren)
John Travolta.
Pulp Fiction. Saturday Night Fever. Grease. What do they have in common?
They have NOTHING on Phenomenon. 
* * *
(Hannah)
Finally, Jake and I are getting some points on the board.

Argo was an amazing movie.  Just amazing.  It really got right to the point of the situation and put you there, but without  being too over-the-top.  They used humor in just the right way, in just the right amount.

Now Lincoln,  We Americans need watch movies like this.  We should be proud.  We should be ashamed.  We should see history for how it is...albeit, with a Hollywood slant.  Do we ever see history in any other light?

Dun dun DuuuuuuuNNN!

* * *
(Maren) 50 years of Bond. Who knew, not us. Except for Jake.

Halle Berry, Halle if I may, did you feel like kicking Seth in the nuts after the stomach flu, ladies looking good terrible joke?  I did.

Kerry Washington, you. are. stunning.
* * *
(Maren)
Shout out to Samuel L. Jackson's suit.  AND for not laughing during Seth's degrading Boob song.

Everyone is on the board with Life of Pi Visual Effects.  Sorry you got cut off visual effects man...

* * *
SCORE BOARD. Maren is winning.

Best supporting actor goes to...Maren! (Christopher Waltz)
Best animated short goes to .... Maren!  (Paperman)
Best animated feature goes to ... Maren!  And Hannah!  (Brave)

Jake and I actually went to see all the animated shorts at date night last weekend.  We should be able to pick at least THAT category.  I am saddened.  I am dishearted.  But I will never surrender!

* * *
Opening monologue:
The Boobs song.......wHaaaaaT?!  I HATE THAT BIT SO MUCH.  The anger I feel right now is indescribable.  It was so terribly offensive to sing about women in a way that reduces them to a body part that makes men feel aroused.  Auuugh!

Well, ok, Jake and Maren are telling me to lighten up.  I don't know.

Sock puppets...ok, this is getting better.

(Maren)
Charlize and Channing Dancing and Trio Men's Song and Dance.  Love.
Trans Am and Sally Field.  Hilarious.


* * * 
5:07 (Hannah)
Still watching the red carpet.

Hmv: "Is there anything that Halle Barry CAN'T wear?!"
JV: "She could wear a paper bag!!" [smokey old-timey lady voice]
Maren: "Yes!"

Kristin Chenoweth is seriously destroying the interview post.  "Let's talk some more about our height difference!"  And "What are you most excited for?!" (As if anyone could say anything other than that moment when I finally SHOW THESE Beezies what's up!)

* * * 
4:45, By Maren

Best dressed nominations (so far)
Maren (Me)- Charlize Theron, new haircut and looking so sexy in white.
Hannah- Catherine Zeta Jones, this is Oscar attire, ya' all!
Jake- Don't Care. Busy with push-ups or beer or being a man and what not.

P.S. Does Nicole Kidman have a personality? Did Keith Urban watch The Paperboy???!!!! If so, their sex life HAS to be suffering.

If YOU have seen The Paperboy and are still in need of a group therapy session, let me know.

-Maren 

* * *
4:22 We are locked and loaded and ready to JUDGE.  The red carpet is red hot. 



* * *
3:30 Check back here when the Oscars begin!

We will be live blogging the Oscars with guests:
  • Maren MV: sister, scholar, professional television-and-movie-watcher
  • Jacob V: husby, father of my child, opinion-having extraordinaire 
  • HMV: the bestest
Update: our cards have been completed....let the competition begin!





2 comments:

Anonymous said...

My favorite so far is Jessica chastain.

Cassie said...

You have Miss Emmaline at your Oscar watch?? Wow. Exclusive event. :) For the record, I did not think the Les Mis number was lip syncing. Catherine certainly was. And I like Stacy Kiebler's dress best so far.